I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
