I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
