Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize