everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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