I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
