Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
