how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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