hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Girls should come with a carfax report
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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