I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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