my mouth tastes like poor choices
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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