We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
