Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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