Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
