My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
