I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
