I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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