K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
