They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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