Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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