please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
