Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
