Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
