ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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