Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
