The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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