Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
