If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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