Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
