tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
