Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
