im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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