Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
