I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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