I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
