If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
