This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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