When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
