I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
