Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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