Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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