you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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