Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Found your dick twin last night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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