My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
