yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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