Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize