I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
