I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
