I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
