Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Randomize
