i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
