I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
