We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
