I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
