Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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