You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
