so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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