i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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