Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
