The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
