p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
