Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
