I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
